how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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