First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
