I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
