I will die if light touches me.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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