I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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