well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
