Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
