He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
