you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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