i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
