he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
