Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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