So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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