i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Are we still banned from the library?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
