Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
50% drunk capacity currently
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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