it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
