I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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