That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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