i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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