Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
