You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
