i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
