I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
