Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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