apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
