"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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