I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
