does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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