Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's blow job season.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
