Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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