oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
