She went from zero to smokin in five shots
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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