My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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