I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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