So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
