omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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