i already hear my dad disowning me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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