When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
