just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
