Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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