last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
