My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
