PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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