like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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