you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
