i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
