how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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