You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
