I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
