I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
